So all this year I've been progressively more and more in love with this girl I'm living with. It's been difficult to deal with for a number of reasons: apart from the fact that she doesn't feel the same way, she has alot of personal problems, has been into self-harming, I think was abused as a child (not by her parents, thankfully), can't stand being touched, and so on. In particular since her boyfriend broke up with her around this time last year she's been really messed up about him. It was bad enough when they were together, as she doesn't enjoy sex (certainly not with him, anyway), but he would still insist on it, and wouldn't give her the support she really needed, but the past six or nine months or so have been really rough. Long story short, he started using her for sex, and she knows it's hurting her but she lets him doing it because she feels she needs him or something (she's going on a big trip this summer after uni and is apparently worried none of her other friends will give her a place to stay afterwards, so maybe she's doing it to guarantee he'll take her in or something, I don't really know, it might just be a general feeling of dependance, he IS the only real relationship she's ever had).
This has, of course, been very hard on me. All this year I was the person she turned to when she was feeling miserable about him. In fact, several times after he seduced her (and even before then) she'd talk to me and say how much she hated him for doing it, and how she'd never let it happen again. And, in fact, after months of this, she decided she was going to break up with him properly, but he managed to weasel his way out of it. She promised me and herself that she was going to keep it just friends after this, that she'd spent too long feeling confused and insecure thanks to him, that she wasn't going to let him play her for a fool anymore, and that if he tried to get sex out of her again she'd tell him where to go. But a week ago she started sleeping with him again. This was the last straw for me. Up until that point I will freely admit to being jealous: I AM in love with her, and I do find her ridiculously attractive. However, when I found out about this time, all that faded. I was just angry, more angry than I'd ever been in my life, at him for doing this to her, and at her for letting him do it. I lost it, confronted her and shouted at her for it, and of course, I hit the nerve and she reacted badly, and has stopped talking to me. I've felt awful the past couple of days because of it, as I felt I'd pushed her away where I should've been supportive and receptive. I'd let my emotions get the better of me and had lost all the trust she'd placed in me over the past year.
And last night he was in again, and I knew he'd have got her into bed again (in fact, he's still in the house as I type this, it's the morning). And I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand to see her do this to herself, and I felt personally responsible, that because she hates me she might even be going further with him to spite me. I was literally standing in the kitchen with a knife at my wrists, wishing I could either kill myself or go into her room and kill him. And I'm not even exaggerating. I'd never felt so horrible about anything in my life. My first (only, lol) breakup was deeply traumatic, and I was depressed for about a year afterwards, but that was a purely selfish, internal feeling. It came purely from inside myself, and once I'd cried it out it was gone. But this came from something I couldn't even help anymore, as I'd destroyed any trust she'd ever placed in me. I'd already, literally, cried all the tears I had, and now I wanted to cry more but physically couldn't. I was begging God to help me, to give me the strength to deal with this, not because I'd ever been religious, but out of sheer desperation. I literally could not cope anymore.
Eventually I pulled myself together and decided to just go to bed (it was 3 in the morning at this point). I was getting ready, but just before I lay down, I felt an impulse, and sent a text to a mutual friend saying that her ex was destroying her life and I couldn't watch it anymore. A couple of minutes later, we're talking on the phone about it, and he's assuring me I'm right and not to take it personally (he's known her longer than I have), saying he's glad I called, as he hadn't spoken to her in a while and hadn't known exactly what was going on lately (though he'd always known the relationship was harmful), and saying that he'll call her today and arrange to meet up with her and maybe another friend, just for drinks, and he'll bring it up tactfully and talk to her about it, because he knows that she knows she's wrong, even if she told me it was none of my business. I'd spoken to friends about all this already, but it was always on a "Please help me deal with this" basis, rather than "Help me help her". I'd just never thought to ask that way.
And after we hung up, I felt more relieved than I'd ever felt in my life. All feelings of anger and sorrow had gone, and I just knew that somehow I'd get through it all, and with help from friends I'd help her through it. And I realised something I'd never expected. That what gave me that impulse to send that text...was God.
Now, I know some people will have closed the window there. But please bear with me. I've never been religious. I've always been sceptical of Christian dogma (still am, certainly until I read the Bible). And I'm not going to go all evangelical on you. But I realised that I'd had the whole "God" thing pegged wrong all my life, either because I've been given the wrong message or just given myself the wrong idea. I realised that God is strength: he's what helps you get through things that seem unbearable. He may not be a literal omnipotent, omniscient being in the sky; he may just be some intangible force; he may genuinely be something we've invented ourselves to deal with problems. But at the end of the day, I feel he's a name put to something that manifests differently for different people. And for me, in that instance, that strength that I'd begged for so desperately, that I'd bared my soul and literally prostrate myself in desperation of, was that mad impulse to send that text. It was my friends. My ability to depend on my friends. The qualities in me that have made me able to earn these friends. The qualities in my parents that made them raise me with these same qualities. And so on. And knowing that, I felt I could deal with anything.
As I said, I won't go all evangelical. I'm not going to start saying "You need to turn to God or you'll go to Hell!" For one thing, that doesn't work, and you can harp on about your "Duty to spread the word of God", but if it doesn't work you're just massaging your own ego. But also, I feel that when people say things like that, what they really mean is "You need to turn to my God". And I really, truly feel that God is different for different people. Of course, he'll manifest as friends for alot of people. But it'll be a different feeling for everyone. And for some it'll be strength from within. For some it'll be strength gained from a single other person. And, yes, for some it will be church and the traditional Christian teachings. What it is doesn't matter, all that matters is that it's found.
So I guess where I'm going with this, is that I hope somehow this story touches a few of you and makes you think a bit more about your lot in life. Think a bit more about what you've got and what, or who, you can turn to in times of need. You may think I'm spewing a load of crap, but as long as you find your "strength", even if you don't know it as "God", you'll have reached a certain stage in your life that I feel everybody should.
So yeah, sorry for those desperately hoping for a Bel-Air (it would've been pretty fucking epic), but I felt I needed to say this somewhere, even just a Sonic the Hedgehog forum. If you've read this far, thanks for your attention.
